Our discussion last Thursday (2/25) about the Orokaiva and how they create friendships or trade relationships etc got me thinking.
I used to get into huge debates with a friend I used to have over what friendship is. Confusing...but I'll explain. He hated it whenever anyone would get him a christmas gift or a birthday gift--even if someone just bought him a drink at the bar, because he felt that he would ultimately have to owe it back. He would explain that friendships are all about owing one another and making sure that the balance is kept. I agreed with him to a certain degree, however I think the perspective is off. I agree that if the scale is tipped far to one side in a relationship that one person is probably doing all the work and you may not be dealing with a true friend after all. BUT, on the other hand, if I am out for a friends birthday, I buy them a drink, or a gift or whatever, because I WANT to--not because I am hoping that in the future they remember and get me one as well. So there is a mix between keeping things even between friends but also the idea that I do things for my friends simply because they are my friend.
What do you all think? Is it more of an I.O.U. kind of world, or how do we know when something is owed/expected in exchange? I mean, no body would want the broken dry-erase marker!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI believe that an important aspect of this issue involves an individual's unique worldview. In America, there are no explicit guidelines regarding gifting and favors. Rather, general suggestions exist. From these suggestions, individuals can pick and choose those mannerisms that they deem suitable for each situation and individual. In America, I think that there at least two different types of people: (1) cynical individuals and (2) genuine "no strings attached" individuals. Individuals who hold a more cynical view on the world will tend to believe that all exchanges of gifts and favors have ulterior motives. These individuals tend to believe that gifts and favors are used as a means to control and exercise power over another. Therefore, these individuals believe that an equal exchange must occur so that both parties are even. However, I do believe that there are individuals who give gifts and grant favors with the genuine sentiment that there are "no strings attached." And there are certainly a great number of people that fall somewhere between the two extremes. I think past experiences and learned lessons dictate the type of worldview that an individual takes. I do not think that there is a single "kind of world." Rather, there are multiple views on the world that lead to different perspectives regarding the issue of gifts and favors.
ReplyDeleteI'm SO mad I missed Thursday! Trade relationships sound so fun!
ReplyDeleteI don't really think, at least in our culture, it is an I.O.U. kind of world as much as it is just socially understood how exchanges happen. There ARE times when someone will "I owe you" someone else, but for the most part I think those take place in relationships *already* established. Why? I think I.O.U.'s are a kind of exchange that has some weight or value higher than a regular exchange and has to be based in a relationship already establish to be able to take place. I guess more succinctly, it takes trust and/or friendship. It can't (or mostly doesn't) happen when it's an acquaintance (probably because the trust isn't there). When I think of an I.O.U. I either think of 1) something serious - like maybe making a rent payment for someone and they I.O.U. that person or 2)something simple, but that you know you should get them back for - a drink at a bar when it's not someone's birthday could be ideal. Looking at both of those instances, I wouldn't expect nor would I expect of myself to do that for someone I just met - it takes a pretty good friendship and trust to be able to do either of those.
Then there are those exchanges like you mentioned, when nothing is owed or expected in exchange - BUT - the person who received the gift is technically socially "obligated", if you will, to do the same for that person in the future. I think our culture doesn't categorize this as an "exchange," but if you DON'T repay or do something for the person in the future, it's considered rude - a social faux pas! Take for example - Johanna bought me a SPLENDID dinner of amazing buffalo wings on my birthday. I think it was a pretty big price for a college student, and no one else at the table even offered to help her divide up the bill (well, I did, but it was my birthday and she's exceedingly kind :)). Now in the future, I am much more likely not to do the same for the friends who didn't pay, but completely likely to return the favor to Johanna. I don't think I'm being a jerk disregarding the other people - and I don't think they expect it now - but I wouldn't even think about not doing something for Johanna in the future or on her birthday! Now, is this categorized as an exchange OR an I.O.U.? I don't really think so. The term exchange just doesn't seem to fit the bill [no pun intended... maybe] for me, and I don't technically owe her anything, unless I wanted to keep our relationship fair and friendly (and I'd feel guilty). I think this is one example of how something is owed and expected in exchange without BEING an actual exchange OR an I.O.U. Now, there may be relationships in our society where they are based in exchanges that play an important role, but this is my take on I.O.U.'s and when something is owed.
Can anyone else think of relationships based in exchange in our society? What do you think on my take of Miranda's question?
I definitely agree that there is a lot of this IOU attitude in the United States. However, I do not think it is as exact or as important as it is in Orokaivan culture. I also think it depends on the friend. Most best friends want to engage in this type of trading relationship- they do it willingly and easily and generally, there is not much thought put into it. However, I think there are a lot of friendships where this relationships lead to feelings of guilt or uneasiness because it leads to unwanted obligations.
ReplyDeleteI often dont think of my relationships as an IOU type of deal, but I guess it becomes pretty apparent when the other person does not reciprocate as you think they should. For example, a lot of times you hear people say things like "last time she was in this situation, I did such and such" or "thats the last time I will ever..." or "she is being so selfish..." I think Americans dont tend to give someone something in order to get something back eventually, but more we tend to feel angry when we think others are not treating us equally when we need it.